10 Years: From the Bottom of My Heart

 

It’s been ten years. I can’t imagine what life would be like and the grief of what could have been makes the thought unbearable. 

Grief is a hard word to define and the spectrum of sorrow that lies within is deadening. It’s where dreams are buried, opportunities are lost, and ears to listen sometimes seem like empty sympathies with each passing year. You feel like a victim, but in comparison you’re not. You never are. Somebody had it worse, so you tuck it in unreachable places only to be spoken of when you know you’re safe. 

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank those of you who have loved on me, prayed for me, and encouraged me over the last ten years. You bless me more than you know. You’re in my life for a reason, and I pray I get to bless you in return. 

Love,

Kim

180 Degrees

 

Happy 9th Birthday, Brynlee!

I can't believe it's been 9 years. At the same time, it still hurts too much to imagine what life would have been like with two girls. It hurts, but I know God's plans are best. 

As with many of my annual posts, I'm still amazed with the people God surrounds me with - new ones who tweak my thinking, new ones who make me laugh, new ones who are so helpful, new ones who give me grace, and new ones who just love me. 

My constant is Jamie. This March 9th will mark 26 years since we had our first date. He constantly helps me through my transitions, cherishes our time together, and entertains me like no other. Last December, Jamie was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma, and I've been so impressed with his drive to beat it. His radiation is done, so we are praying he's completely healed. 

As for Lilianna, she is our light. We spoil her with love, and it's a blessing to do so. 

This year God has reminded me how he can come into any situation and flip it 180 degrees according to His will. He might not answer all my prayers, but when he does - he does big time, in big ways, with huge blessings. 

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." ~ Psalm 30:5

I’m so thankful for all the blessings God has given our family this year, and I pray God continues to show me how to love His people, because His people have sure loved me.  

Happy Birthday, My Sweet Brynlee

Peekaboo - May 2013: https://peekaboonwa.com/carrying-brynlee/

Peekaboo - February 2016: https://peekaboonwa.com/remembering-brynlee-our-update/

God's Got You

Over the last eight years, Brynlee's birthday has consistently been marked by the many Facebook Memories posted by so many friends back in 2013. 

I cherish these each year because I'm reminded about how much I was loved and cared for during that time. I've written about it many times because it kind of shocked me then and kind of still does. 

It's amazing how God uses His people to bless you when you need it most. I don't keep up with all of the people who left me all of those sweet messages then, but I know if I needed them still they would be there for me. 

When you're weak, God is so strong. He uses His people, scriptures, and circumstances to bless you.

I have a lot of good things going on this year, and I am so thankful for all the amazing people God continues to put in my life. They are smart and talented, and I am learning so much.

Also, Jamie has been a huge blessing to me. God has used him in ways to bless me that he doesn't even realize. It's kind of cool. Lilianna is doing great too. She has a very tender heart. 

And, here is one last tidbit. I've been saying for years that rejection is protection, but this year I've had to expand that sentence.

Rejection is protection to move you in a different direction because you are God's chosen selection!

If certain people are not in your life right now, that's okay. There are certain people God has in your life right now for certain reasons, and you never know which ones will be lifelong friends. Seek those people, bless and propel them. Overall, God's got you, and you are never alone. 

Update: I just realized this post is just like my 2018 post, but that just proves that I am still so thankful for the people God continues to put in my life. 

Mountains in Your Life

Brynlee would be seven years old today.

The thought of having one third grader and one first grader sounds glorious, but I know God's plans are greater.

It's cool how you can read a scripture or chapter in the Bible, and it can stay glued to your heart for days, weeks, and months. That's how Job 9 and Exodus 31 have been for me this year. What really sticks out to me are the scriptures about mountains.

I've always loved Isaiah 55:12.

You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
    will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
    will clap their hands.

In Exodus 33, Moses asks God to send His glory. God says He will, but Moses cannot see His face. For nobody can see His face and live. He goes on to say that Moses will be able to look back and see his back. To me that means we will be able to look back and see where God has been, which is a lot like my 2018 post. In 2018, I talked a lot about how I can look back over my life and see where God has been and how he has taken care of me. 

In order for God to come down, he had to hide Moses in the cleft of the rock, so the mountain really is a mountain of protection. 

Later, God brought me to Job 9, which brought me to my knees. God's works are so profound and so vast. Who are we to dispute anything with him. 

Job 9:5 
He moves mountains without their knowing it
    and overturns them in his anger.

What the enemy meant for harm, God meant for good. Even if the enemy put mountains in your life for harm, God will overturn them and use them for your good. 

In Isaiah 49:11, God says He will turn mountains into roadways. 

God is in control of all of your mountains. He can turn them into roads, He can hide you inside of them, and he has already moved so many in your life. 

I'm praying these scriptures bless you this year as they have blessed me. 

Prayers Answered and Prayers Not Yet Seemingly Answered

It's been six years since we lost Brynlee, and I'm doing good overall.

I have so much to be happy and thankful for each day.

First, I love my husband. We are doing great, and I'm so happy about how God has moved even more into his life this year. It's exciting to see what God is doing.

Second, Lilianna is doing great. We love her so much. I am thankful I have one beautiful daughter who lights up my world, brings me constant joy, and amazes me more and more. Jamie and I love that she thinks we are so cool right now. She even shows us off. I know this won't last long, so I'm enjoying it.

Third, we are healthy. I'm thankful for our health. I was having some trouble with my cholesterol, but I managed to lower it with my diet, so I'm thankful I was able to do that, and I hope to lower it even more.

Fourth, we love our jobs! Our work families are amazing, and they bless us both.

Last, I'm thankful for all the prayers God has answered. Some answers come quickly and some take years, but it's amazing to look back over my life and see how God has answered the prayers in His time.

Obviously, he has not seemingly answered all of my prayers yet, and I'm becoming more and more ok with that, even though it still saddens me I couldn't have more children.

Here is what I know. I know it's ok to ask for things you need and to trust in God to provide for those needs and even wants. If he answers the prayer, it's for His good. If he does not yet answer the prayer or answers it the way you specifically wanted, it's for His good.

1 John 5:14-15 ESV 

And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.

Hebrews 11:6 ESV 

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

Philippians 4:6 ESV 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

I'm not yet who I want to be, but a thousand times better because of God. He sustains me and blesses me. Thankfully, His mercies are new each morning. I'm currently praying about new ways for God to use me because I want the whole world to know that there is someone who loves them, hears them, forgives them, and is there for them when it seems like they're all alone.

He sends the rain guys.
Listen to this new, awesome song.
Send the Rain: Fresh Start Music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuMN_lTFPyw

By the way, I don't often post pictures on this public blog because it picks up more attention from foreign countries when I do, and that has concerned me.

You're Not Alone

I sat down tonight to write a post that’s been on my mind for months, but tonight I couldn’t find the right words. Tomorrow will be five years since Brynlee went to Heaven, and I wanted to write about the five things I knew to be true since her loss. I was going to write about the importance of wisdom, obedience, faith, hope, and love, but each message seemed redundant. I’ve written about all those things over the last five years, and I didn’t believe that was the message I was supposed to share now, so…...I prayed.

Then, it was clear.

Deuteronomy 31:8 says, “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged.”

It’s a beautiful thing to sit back and see how God orchestrated my life before Brynlee and up until now, and oh how He loves me, you - us. He has encompassed our lives with the most astounding people who are loving, supportive, and enrich us spiritually and professionally. God has gone before each trial in our lives and prepared a path for us full of love and hope by using His people to bless us.

It was hard to lose my dad at the age of 18, but there were many people in my life who were there for me during that time and who helped mentor me. Many friends too have continued to bless me even though I live so far away.

When I moved to NWA, it was really hard on me because I didn’t want to leave my support system, but God immediately started putting people in my life who would sustain me through my future trials, and I will be forever thankful for them. When I lost Brynlee, I had a chorus of people praying for me. I never felt the prayers stop. I safely rested in the palm of God’s hand and faced each day with people who God specifically placed around me.

And, even now, as life continues to happen, I couldn’t be more blessed. I recently broke my leg, and the amount of love and support I have received has been humbling. God knew this was going to happen to me, and he already had His support team in place. The last six weeks, honestly, haven’t been horribly hard. The motorized wheelchair I have at work has been my greatest blessing. God knows how important work is to me, so it’s neat to see how he set the wheels in motion to have that chair available for me. Also, I have loved my people - my people I get to enjoy and learn from each and everyday. They have taken great care of me during this time. It’s just hard to comprehend how God has used so many people to bless me in the last five years. 

With each trial you face, God is there for you. He has people in place for you. Living a life for God is more than rewarding because it’s a testimony that can be passed down for generations. When you walk with Jesus, you never walk alone. He walks before you and stays with you. He sets things into motion that you would never even expect. There is no reason to be scared or discouraged.

I go to the doctor on Monday, and I’m praying so much that I’ll be able to start walking on my leg, but even if I don’t, I know God has a plan. (But, I really hope I can walk again because I have a lot going on for the next two weeks.) Either way, it’s in God’s hands.

I’m praying God shows you His people He has around you right now for the purposes He plans to fulfill in your life in this season. As each bud begins to bloom this spring, may God reveal to you all the ways He is holding you, preparing you, and loving on you. Trust Him, and do not be afraid. Brynlee was born for so many purposes. Tomorrow, on her fifth birthday, I pray you feel God’s love enlighten your heart and contagiously help you spread your joy to each person God has specially placed in your life this season.

My Hope is Built on Nothing Less

People who have heard my stories know how I have struggled with the word hope. I struggled because I didn’t understand what hope meant. God says to put our hope in Him, but to be honest I put my hope in all my wishes, my dreams, my plans, and my desires. My hope was that He would give me those things, but my hope was not in Him and His glorious ways. I was so blind to the truth, to His word. I was so deep in my desires and not in His desires. Outwardly, it appeared I had such faith, and I spoke of His faith, but I didn’t truly have the rock solid faith I needed to have peace, peace when alone, peace about my future, and peace to share with others. I had fear. I love Ecclesiastes 11:3 when it basically says the tree is going to land where the tree is going to land. To me it says God’s plans will prevail, and I know His plans are best. In verse four, I was struck by the paralyzing power of fear. Then, verse 5 said it all - said it all. God is the maker of all things. He is the maker of all things, all babies, all jobs, all health issues, all marriages, and all elected officials.

Ecclesiastes 11New International Version (NIV)

Invest in Many Ventures

11 Ship your grain across the sea;

   after many days you may receive a return.

2 Invest in seven ventures, yes, in eight;

   you do not know what disaster may come upon the land.

3 If clouds are full of water,

   they pour rain on the earth.

Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north,

   in the place where it falls, there it will lie.

4 Whoever watches the wind will not plant;

   whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.

5 As you do not know the path of the wind,

   or how the body is formed[a] in a mother’s womb,

so you cannot understand the work of God,

   the Maker of all things.

6 Sow your seed in the morning,

   and at evening let your hands not be idle,

for you do not know which will succeed,

   whether this or that,

   or whether both will do equally well.

Basically, the tree is going to be where the tree is going to be.

I’m obviously still working on developing that peace that glorifies God in all things, and it’s definitely a work in progress.

Recently, I read about Moses’ mother, and I was astonished by her mighty faith and how her hope was in the Lord and not her own obvious desires.  

Exodus 2:1-10New International Version (NIV)

The Birth of Moses

2 Now a man of the tribe of Levi married a Levite woman, 2 and she became pregnant and gave birth to a son. When she saw that he was a fine child, she hid him for three months. 3 But when she could hide him no longer, she got a papyrus basket[a] for him and coated it with tar and pitch. Then she placed the child in it and put it among the reeds along the bank of the Nile. 4 His sister stood at a distance to see what would happen to him.

5 Then Pharaoh’s daughter went down to the Nile to bathe, and her attendants were walking along the riverbank. She saw the basket among the reeds and sent her female slave to get it. 6 She opened it and saw the baby. He was crying, and she felt sorry for him. “This is one of the Hebrew babies,” she said.

7 Then his sister asked Pharaoh’s daughter, “Shall I go and get one of the Hebrew women to nurse the baby for you?”

8 “Yes, go,” she answered. So the girl went and got the baby’s mother. 9 Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, “Take this baby and nurse him for me, and I will pay you.” So the woman took the baby and nursed him. 10 When the child grew older, she took him to Pharaoh’s daughter and he became her son. She named him Moses,[b] saying, “I drew him out of the water.”

Her story spoke to my heart. It was amazing to me that her faith was rewarded when she was able to nurse her son and even receive pay for doing so. That’s only the work God can do. I love our God of miracles, divine intervention, and unseen plans.

Hebrews 11:1King James Version (KJV)

11 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

God says to hope in things unseen. Oh how beautiful are the things unseen, like Heaven and God’s glory. Four years since Brynlee’s birth I can finally say my hope is in the Lord like never before, all His promises and all His ways - not my ways or my dreams.

My hope is built on nothing less

    than Jesus' blood and righteousness.

    I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

    but wholly lean on Jesus' name.

Refrain:

    On Christ the solid rock I stand,

    all other ground is sinking sand;

    all other ground is sinking sand.

2.    When Darkness veils his lovely face,

    I rest on his unchanging grace.

    In every high and stormy gale,

    my anchor holds within the veil.

    (Refrain)

3.    His oath, his covenant, his blood

    supports me in the whelming flood.

    When all around my soul gives way,

    he then is all my hope and stay.

    (Refrain)

4.    When he shall come with trumpet sound,

    O may I then in him be found!

    Dressed in his righteousness alone,

    faultless to stand before the throne!

    (Refrain)  

Your hope can be found in God and all unseen, glorious things. I pray His peace prevails when darkness hails. My hope is built on nothing less.