Amen! 100th Post!

I have the BEST news for my 100th post! Jamie has a job!!! We are so excited about his new job, and we are so thankful to Jesus for his blessings. We have been waiting for this for a long, long time. There were many times when I wondered just how long God would want to keep us in the desert, but I knew it was for His glory. I took comfort in that. I chose to be apart of his plan even when I didn't understand. Also, I'm proud of my husband and our marriage. We never let this job issue be an issue that would cause walls to build in our marriage. Even when I had days of exhaust, I kept my faith in God's plan and in my husband. Through it all, God met our needs through our family and friends. Just like the birds, our needs were met!

Sad but Happy

I've had many unanswered prayers so far this year, but I'm so happy for what I do have. I have a Savior who loves me and has plans to use me to advance His kingdom. I have a husband who LOVES me. I have a beautiful daughter who fills my world with joy. There are so many things I have to be thankful for each day! I use those thoughts to get me through rough times. I know I'm never alone! God is always, always next to me!

Busy Bees

Summer life before Lilianna was always boring. Summer life with Lilianna has me as busy as a bee, but it's a good kind of busy.

The Chair

I haven't made a post in awhile. I haven't made a post because it means I have to sit on "the chair" again. "The chair?" Yes, "the chair" I sat on night and day in the computer room while I was finishing all of my work for NBPTS. "The chair" that carried all my stress and burdened my back, which still aches when I sit down.

Another reason why I haven't sat on "the chair" is because I have been enjoying life again. I feel like a mom again to Lilianna, and it means the world to me. Everyday, I find myself consumed with busy, fun activities, and I'm loving it. There was one day before the business of summer that I worried that summer boredom was going to consume me, but that has not happened. A two year old constantly surprises me, and there is never a dull moment.

Yes. I'm happy.

However.....ugh, I hate to add a "however" at this wonderful time, but there is a however. :(

For five years, I have been waiting for a very specific prayer request to be answered.

At my last bible study, we learned about "discontent." We are reading Stuck by Jennie Allen.

 The topic wouldn't leave my mind, so I emailed my GFN group a long message. This is some of it.

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Wow! Thursday night's topic was so deep that I can't get it off my mind. I felt I needed more supplemental materials, so I have spent a few hours surfing the web looking for the right message to help lead me to contentment. I found many websites that helped, but I did not find a particular message that I could copy and paste in this message that I felt the need to send. Then, I thought of this:  

ESL students go through five stages (I reviewed this for my NBPTS test.). 

1. Optimism

2. Culture Shock

3. Superficiality

4. Frustration

5. Acceptance

This totally relates to my spiritual life when it comes to praying about....-you guessed it-....Jamie's job. 

1. I felt optimism in 2008 when Jamie graduated and the economy was still rolling pretty well.2. I felt culture shock year after year when the economy kept crashing down, and the state of Arkansas kept pushing back plans to certify all PE coaching positions.3. I have been very superficial when I've "faked" being happy for others. 4 & 5. I go in and out of these two phases each school year.

But, here is what God says:

1: Optimism

Psalm 37:4 

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

2. Culture Shock

Romans 8:28 

And we know that for those who love God ALL things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

3. Superficial - I know I should be thankful, but sometimes I'm superficial. 

2 Corinthians 9:11 

You will be enriched in every way to be generous in every way, which through us will produce thanksgiving to God.

4. Frustration

1 Corinthians 10:10 

Nor grumble, as some of them did and were destroyed by the Destroyer.

(Thursday night we discussed if it's okay to be upset even if we shouldn't be upset. I think that is human nature. Jennie alluded to this when she wrote, "He wanted us to need him.")

5. Acceptance - Accepting God's Will

Philippians 4:10-13 

I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Jennie wrote, "While we compare and long and wait and ask and save and spend and flaunt and pretend and cry and whine and tear down and puff up and stare and wish and ignore and complain and demand and search and find...we miss something...we miss the most important thing...maybe we miss the only thing."

What do you think that is??? I think it is....

1 John 4:16 

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.

I will choose to believe that ALL things work for the glory of God today because I know He loves me. Today I will not submit to discontent.

Am I preaching to myself? Yes, but it's like Beth Moore. She says she writes studies to find healing for herself. 

I'm also going to do last week's project. I'm going to celebrate someone's good news - I might even do it on Facebook. It's like the Good News book! Ha! That goes back to what we have said a few times about Facebook. :) 

Again, wow! Thursday night was so deep but so good for me! It called out to me and hasn't left my side. I needed this, and I'm so thankful for all of you! 

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So, what is my prayer request? Our family needs the job my wonderful husband deserves. He went to college, got a degree, and he's got his foot in the door, but he can't seem to get the job he deserves - the job he is really good at. Mostly, I think it's because of the economy and politics. However, it's really because this is where God has us. So, I'm going to get off "the chair" now and go sit in the "palm of His [God's] hand." I will not submit to discontent.

Why I Sing Continued...

I heard this song on the radio today, and it had me thinking a lot about what I said in the last post about meaning what I sing because Dad's healing never came, Brynlee's healing never came, and we still have dreams undone. The words in this song speak a hard truth, but it's a Godly response to our calling on Earth. I pray in every situation I ever face, I will remember this truth.   

                                                                       "Even If"

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are.
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are.
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

However, there are many other reasons why I sing as well! 

I sing to praise the Lord for what I do have! 

I have my beautiful Lilianna who is talking up a storm lately. 

 I have my amazing husband who is the best father in the world. 

Also, I have my mom and mother-in-law, who are an amazing support system. They both love me so much!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

I LOVE YOU!!!

This weekend I'm having a great time, when I'm not typing for my NBPTS. :) 

Also, my mother-in-law sewed this adorable outfit for Lilianna, and she LOVES it. This is the only picture I had of her that was not blurry because she was full of energy last night when we went to see The Little Mermaid by ARTS Live Theatre. And, check out the jewelry Lilianna was wearing! That was made by our dear friend, Mrs. Hilda.
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Why I Sing

I had to share this...

I had to share this because my worship music helps me through difficult times in my life. When I was little, my dad used to record worship symposiums in Dallas.

At one of my favorite symposiums, they played this song. This is the first worship song I ever fell in love with.

Last year I was going through many of my dad's old video tapes used for editing, and I ran across the tape with this song! I was so excited! As an eight year old girl, I ran all over the house singing this song at the top of my lungs. I found myself doing the same thing again last year - well, I wasn't really running. I was just singing at the top of my lungs. :)

As a teenager, I learned the importance of meaning what you say when you sing worship songs. For example, when I sing, "It is Well With My Soul," I believe it should be well with my soul. How can you sing "10,000 Reasons" and not mean it? This is the same for, "How Great Thou Art," "All I Need is You," "Trust and Obey," "Shout to the Lord," and "In Christ Alone."

I have absorbed worship songs for 34 years. My mother sang them over me as a child, and I watched her sing on the worship team for years leading others into worship. The words of every song I have ever sang are written all over my heart. 

A few years after my dad was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, my father and I danced to this song in the living room. It's a memory I will cherish forever, and the last time I danced with my father.

When my dad died, I sang. When I had my first miscarriage, I sang. When I lost Brynlee, I sang. 

I sing because God uses it to heal me. 

When I'm sad, I sing. 

Tonight, I'm singing. 

Peekaboo and Poppies

These ten fingers and ten toes bless my heart immensely. Jamie and I were thrilled to receive this beautiful plate in the mail today. Mamie's Poppy Plates is a non-profit organization in Little Rock. They make these plates for parents who have had children born into the arms of Jesus. It definitely has warmed our hearts, and we will cherish it forever.

I want to thank Brandy and Chris still for their sweet donation in loving memory of Lillian and Waylon. 

Also, I was extremely blessed in April when the Editor-in-Chief for Peekaboo Magazine sent me a message and asked me if I'd be willing to share Brynlee's story. I was overwhelmingly blessed by the opportunity because I felt like this was one more way to fulfill one of the many purposes for Brynlee's life. I don't know all the ways God will use it, but I pray it touches many people's hearts and continues to bring Glory to God. 

Meanwhile, Lilianna has been sick again. This time she has an ear infection, but I enjoyed getting to hug her all day today and making up for some of the time I have spent time typing while working on my NBPTS certification. 

As you can tell, she loves her Snoopies. She is just like her daddy.
Happy early Mother's Day to me. Jamie bought me some new shoes since I'm trying to learn how to be a runner. I'm so slow right now! He even bought me really good running socks! Wish me luck - I'm going to need it!
So, I've been cooking a lot lately, and I enjoyed experimenting with this Pinterest idea. Unfortunately  Lilianna didn't like it, but she doesn't seem to like anything with corn meal right now.

  

I like this picture because we are finally starting to have warm weather. 

Yes, you can't see her head, but it's nice to see the sun. 

Have a warm week, 

Kim

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Happy Birthday Daddy!

It's not lost on me how much I have to be thankful for each day. I'm so blessed to spend my days with these two love bugs.

We celebrated Jamie's birthday this week twice. Lilianna is getting good at blowing out candles because her daddy gave her lots of practice.
Also, we have been taking advantage of the warmer weather.
Jamie has high hopes for Lilianna's athletic abilities, so I'm praying she takes after her dad! :)
This is Uncle Bubs! We love him!
Lilianna's pop taught her how to ride this. I was so impressed.
This is the sweetest face in the world!
So, I let Lilianna dress herself. Needless to say, we stayed home that day. :)
But, the girl does know how to shop, and she loves shoes!
"To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy - to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power, and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forever more! Amen." Jude 24, 25

Hallelujah for all that God has done and will continue to do to fulfill the purposes for Brynlee's life. 

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Feeling Better

I'm finally feeling better. I'm just a little congested still.

Thank you for praying for me to get well this week. Hopefully, I'll stay well for awhile.

I've been super busy typing for my NBPTS. I'm hoping I get a lot more done in the next two weeks.

Lilianna has actually been the only one healthy in the house, so it's been nice that she has not been sick. She is full of surprises, and we are enjoying her so much.

Overall, there's not much new going on because I've been sitting in my computer room every night this week typing.

Have fun, and enjoy your week. :)

Physically, Not Well

I was told it might take three months for all of my numbers to go back to normal and that has proven to be true. I now have my second sinus infection within the last month. Also, I have a double ear infection.

I can't wait to feel 100% better again because Lilianna has been so much fun. I love her so much!



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Honesty

I want to be real - honest. God has carried me through this experience, but there are times when I still cry and feel deep pain. I'm mean it is not always well with my soul. There are times when I break because I wish I still had Brynlee and she was healthy and whole. She will never be replaced in my heart. It's not possible. She is in my thoughts daily. February 23rd will always be inscribed on my heart. I plan to buy an ornament to celebrate her life every Christmas, and I hope I think of many more ways to celebrate her life. I say celebrate because I know children are a reward from God, and I greatly value life. Also, Brynlee's life had many purposes and that's something to celebrate!

But back to my point, I want to be realistic with you and tell you the truth. There are times when I'm worn, especially when it comes to one prayer request I've had for five years.

So Blessed!

We had a wonderful weekend. Friday night we took Lilianna to watch the Naturals play, and Lilianna had a great time with her dad.

Lilianna had so much fun that Daddy gave her some extra practice on Saturday. Then, we went to a birthday party at Fast Lane for one of my students. 

Today, my friend, Ashley, and I took our girls to see Sesame Street Live. It was Lilianna's first concert, and we had a blast. I loved every single moment.

Thank you Ashley for a GREAT day!

Overall, I'm continually blessed by everyone around me, including my Harp family. I pray God blesses everyone for all they have done for me. Thank you for your continued prayers as well. I get better each week.


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Brynlee's Celebration of Life and Dedication Service

On March 30, 2013, we had a small service with our immediate family. After a lot of prayer, we were blessed with beautiful weather at 4:30 on Mount Sequoyah. Thank you to everyone who prayed for us during this service and the weather. 

Brynlee’s Baby Dedication and Celebration of Life Service

Brynlee Sharon Green   

Born into Heaven on February 23, 2013

4 pounds, 12 ounces; 13 inches long

Opening Prayer from Lolli and Pop

1 Samuel 1:26-26
"[Hannah to the Priest Eli] As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." 

Daddy’s Dedication Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

Your world is full of life and wondrous mystery. In the joys of birth and sorrows of death, we have come into contact with the heartbeat of Your glory. You give and take away, and so we count Brynlee Sharon Green as a gift and miracle from your heart. Thank you for this treasured child of ours. Although You entrusted Brynlee to us for a short period of time, we know she belongs to You. Like Hannah offered Samuel, we dedicate our child to You, Lord. We recognize that she is always in Your care. Even though she has walked through the valley of the shadow of death, we praise You that she did not fear evil, You were with her, and Your rod and Your staff comforted her. We thank You that one day we will dwell in Your house as a family forever.

We pray that Lilianna and Brynlee, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep Your love is for us. We commit our lives to raising Lilianna and remembering Brynlee to the glory of Your name because their lives will forever testify your love and faithfulness.

Amen

 Psalm 139:13-18

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Blessings with Flowers

Gigi and Daddaddy

Lolli, Pop, and Uncle Bubs

Mommy, Lilianna, and Daddy

Mommy’s Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father, 

We thank You for Brynlee’s life, and we thank You she was given to us to bless our lives. May we remember this on days of sorrow when our hearts are breaking. May we always remember her life as a gift from You and anticipate the day we will see her again among her family. We thank You she was greeted into Heaven by her siblings, Milledge Aubrey and Buster Watts (Grandfather's names...long story. :) / Also, I had two miscarriages before I had Lilianna.), grandfather, Tim Braddock, great grandmothers, Louise and Chelsea, and grandfathers, Buster, Aubrey, Milledge Watts, and Charles, as well as countless Angels and Your marvelous and wondrous love. We pray that she will always know how much we love her even though we did not get to snuggle her in bed each night with Bebe (Snoopy), laugh at her adorable quirks, marvel at her endless beauty, cherish all the special memories she could have made with Lilianna, or get to see the world through her eyes. We know she is showering us with love from Heaven above where she is healthy and whole. Dear Lord, please help us to fulfill every purpose for which she was given to us to the glory of Your name. We dedicate our lives to fulfilling these purposes and raising Lilianna to fulfill all of the purposes for which she was given to us as well. We know children are a gift from the Lord. Bless us as parents as we raise Lilianna. May she always know as well how wide, deep, long, and high your love is for our lives. May she live her life knowing Brynlee was a gift to our family and understand that all things work together for good for those who love You. 

Amen

Psalm 137:3

Children are a gift from the Lord;

they are a reward from him.

Releasing of Balloons

Lilianna’s Prayer

Proverbs 22:6 
Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. 

Closing Passage from Gigi and Daddaddy

Deuteronomy 6:5-7 

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

(I plan on having her buried with me in my arms when I go to Heaven. 

The song "I will Carry You" gave me this idea and has greatly comforted me.) 

(This is my grandma's favorite song. I can still hear her singing it.)

Thank you for blessing us with your prayers on this journey. 

One Month

It's been one month, and we are doing good. I've been trying to stay focused on God's will regarding my responses to my outlook on life moving forward. At first, I was all over the place. Now, I just ask myself what will bring God the most glory. This method has been working for me and guiding my steps each day as my heart is adjusting to this new normal.

I'm planning a very small Baby Dedication and Celebration of Life Service for Brynlee with my immediate family for next weekend. We are going to say special prayers, lay down roses, and release balloons. If you have any other ideas for me, let me know. Even though it will be super small, I want it to be super special. I got the idea to make it a Baby Dedication from a book I've been reading for mothers of stillborn children.

Thank you again for all your love and prayers.

Kim

I love this song and how it talks about how I was "carried for a thousand miles" because that is how I have felt since December 14th. Prayer works, and God can carry us!

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Lilianna brings us so much joy and happiness! I'm so blessed to have a beautiful, smart, loving daughter. Since I've started feeling better, we have started to venture back out into the world, and it's been great.

Last weekend it was nice and sunny outside, so we took Lilianna to the park. She is growing up so fast. It's hard to keep up with her.

I'm not suppose to lift more than 10 pounds, but I only held her for a few seconds for this picture. I think she was smiling like that because that was the first time I had held her in a month. She's glad to have her mommy back. 

So, being that I was feeling better.....we went to Silver Dollar City!!! It was a great test of my physical abilities, but I'm going to say I passed!!! Woohoo! PTL! We stayed in the kid section most of the time, so I wasn't walking too much.

Also, Lilianna did great. I was very impressed. She loved all the rides and didn't cry on any of them. The best memory that I will cherish forever was her desire to stop and dance in the aisle every time she heard music with a banjo and fiddle. If you have been to SDC, you know that's every 5 feet! Ha! She would stop, grab our hands, and get down! 

At this point, she was pretty tired and hungry, but I had to have a picture of us. 

Later, we went to the Bass Pro Shop. It was fun to see Lilianna look at all the animals. It's a joy to see the world through her eyes. 

Daddy had a great day too! He was really wanting and needing a fun day and that's what we had yesterday. 
Thank you!
I want to say thank you again to everyone who has continued to bless us. The meals have been a huge blessing. Not only do I get fabulous food for dinner, but I have enjoyed the company. It's helped me a lot to know that people are still thinking of me and praying for us. Also, I have to sing the praises of Harp Elementary one more time. They have continued to bless us. We love our Harp family! 
Tonight, Joel Osteen tweeted, "Nothing in life has happened to you, it's happened for you." My mom told me this back in December when she said Brynlee's life has been given to me as a gift. In the song "I Will Carry You" my favorite part is, "I will praise the one who's chosen me to carry you." This is my mantra. I know God chose me to have Brynlee, and I'm blessed by his favor although it is hard at times to know all of this happened "for" me and our family, but I'm going to choose to believe that.  "You are For Me" ~ Kari Jobe

Prayer Requests

Here are a few specific prayer requests. 

1. I cry more often at night. Pray my sleep will be sweet. I just miss her so much. I love my sweet Brynlee.

2. I'm currently working on my National Board Teaching Certification (NBPTS). Please pray God will multiply my time (Sounds odd considering I've had so much time off - I know, but hey, I was resting!), help me get it done, and help me not to worry about it when I can't work on it. 

3. Please pray God will give Jamie guidance and direction regarding his job. This is very important. 

4. Continue to pray that God will give Jamie guidance and direction regarding our future family planning. 

5. Pray Lilianna stays virus free for at least awhile. 

Thank you for being a blessing to me. 

Love, 

Kim 

Shout Out:  

Hi, Angie from UAMS! If you're reading this, I just want you to know I've been praying for you! :) 

Well

I find this story intriguing about how a lawyer dealt with the loss of his daughters.

http://www.biblestudycharts.com/A_Daily_Hymn.html

Things I know:

1. God loves me. (John 3:16)

2. God has a plan and purpose for my life. (Romans 8:28)

3. God desires to give me the desires of my heart. (Psalm 37:4)

4. I'll come out better than I was when I went in. (Isaiah 55:9-13)

5. God will sustain me until my old age. (Isaiah 46:4)

It is well with my soul. 

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers. 

Kim

Going Through the Motions

This picture makes me happy.




Lately, I'm just going through the motions. I'm eager to get out of the house and do things that make me happy, so I'm not drowning myself in tears, but when I do, I'm quickly reminded that my body is not up to par yet.

My emotions still consume me at times as well, especially when dealing with insurance companies and policies. People keep telling me to take my full six weeks off, but that's just not going to happen. I have 25 precious kiddos who need to see my face and absorb my knowledge before they take the Arkansas Benchmark, so I'm returning March 25th. I wanted to return sooner, but it's just not possible.

Meanwhile, I've enjoyed giving Lilianna my undivided attention, and she's enjoyed being able to sit in my lap again while I read books to her. I love it even though I reread those books ten times each day! She definitely has her favorites.

I'm still overwhelmed and humbled by how sweet everyone has been to me and Jamie. We are blessed daily. It's completely inspiring. Brynlee's life has taught me how to love and be loved.

Thank you for keeping us in your prayers. I look forward to feeling 100% better physically soon.

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Our Story

Here is the story of Brynlee's birth. It's a sad story, but it has a happy ending. We will see Brynlee again!

Sunday, February 17th: My ankles began to swell, and I figured it was because I had eaten Mexican food. I wasn't too concerned because I know most women start swelling in their feet when they become pregnant.

Monday, February 18th: My feet became a constant source of amusement to me. I thought they looked so different, but I still wasn't very concerned. That night, we had to take Lilianna to the doctor because she had a virus. The nurse walked in and was concerned I was going to go into labor because I was breathing heavily, which I just thought was my new norm. I had been doing that for the last two weeks.

Later that night, I did become more concerned because I knew if something was wrong I needed to be in Little Rock because I knew they would provide the best care for Brynlee. I went to the ER, and they monitored me and sent me home.

Wednesday, February 20th: I went back to my OBGYN clinic to take the three hour sugar test because I had failed the one hour test the week before. While I was there, I asked to see my doctor, Dr. G., because Jamie told me not to come home without seeing a doctor. He was concerned because I was really hurting from all the fluid.  Dr. P. agreed to see me since Dr. G. was at another clinic, and she sent me to the ER again to be monitored and have an ultrasound. While there, she sent Dr. C., a high risk pregnancy doctor, to see me. As soon as he saw me, he wondered out loud then if I had mirror syndrome. After the ultrasound, he truly believed I needed an amniotic reduction. That's when they took away two liters of fluid. I finally felt a little better because I could breathe easier. Before I left, Dr. C. told me he would discuss my condition further with Dr. W. in Little Rock. Dr. W. is a highly respected high risk pregnancy doctor at UAMS who had met me once via a streaming feed. I have a huge amount of respect for him because Dr. G. has so much respect for him.

Thursday, February 21st: I still wasn't feeling well. I felt very achy. I was concerned I might have the flu , so I called Dr. G. and asked if I could go to a walk in clinic to be tested for the flu. He suggested I go ahead and come into the clinic for further testing. I checked into the ER again, and they ran more blood tests. It was determined that my platelets were low, but they, Dr. C. and Dr. G., figured it was because I had some sort of virus, yet they still decided to keep Dr. W. informed about my condition. I was still uncomfortable due to the stretching and growth of my belly, having shortness of breath, and continued swelling in my feet.

That night, I asked Jamie to call his parents and see if they could go ahead and drive up to Fayetteville from Texarkana. I'm glad I did that because the next morning I had to go to back to the clinic for even more testing, and I needed someone to watch Lilianna since she had to stay home from preschool with her virus that just wouldn't go away.

Friday, February 22nd: My nurse called me and asked me to come back to the clinic to test my platelets again. My numbers had gone from 87,000 to 86,000. Once Dr. W., the high risk pregnancy doctor in Little Rock, heard about my numbers, he ordered that I take the ambulance to UAMS.

At this point, my ONLY concern was for Brynlee. I felt I could be a big girl and deal with some discomfort for a few weeks if it meant she would live.

Upon arriving at UAMS, eight people including doctors, nurses, and residents immediately came into my room to do an ultrasound of Brynlee. My heart was full of hope, and I gleamed with joy that I was there where I knew they could make a difference.

However, it was hard to watch their faces during the ultrasound, and there came a point when they quit looking at me. I felt like I was standing on the other side of a wall alone begging someone to save my baby.

After the ultrasound, the neonatal doctor told me that there was no way Brynlee would make it because she hardly had any lungs due to the size of her heart and all the fluid that had taken up space in her chest.

This was a complete shock to me! I had always thought her heart looked good, and the blood flow in her brain looked good. Therefore, I believed with my whole heart she would be my miracle even though I had been told for weeks her chances for survival were slim before 28 weeks. I just didn't know her lungs were in such poor condition. When the doctor told me she would not make it, I discredited her in my mind. I really just wanted the neonatal doctor to leave the room because this was not my reasoning for happily coming to UAMS full of hope. When they told me I had mirror syndrome, fluid in my lungs, and I had to go ahead and deliver Brynlee to save my life, I was just mad. I didn't feel I was that sick. I did feel they were killing my baby unnecessarily, and it was hard getting this information from people I didn't know. After asking many times if this was absolutely necessary, they began doing what they had to do to put me in labor. I didn't ever agree with any of it, and my heart broke....broke. Of course, I was never rude. I'm just telling you about all the feelings I had inside during this time.

At one point, Jamie and I were alone, and we decided Brynlee's middle name would be Sharon after my mom. He had mentioned it about a month earlier, and it just stayed with me. Her first name had actually come to me in a dream a few months ago. I had wanted to name my girl Eliza Louise because I felt it was a true southern belle name, but I believe Brynlee knew she wanted to be named Brynlee. In the dream, her name was spelled out for me, Brynlee S. Green.

Once they put me on pitocin and broke my water, they said it would be 12-18 hours before I delivered Brynlee. I spent some time telling Brynlee I loved her, and then I went to sleep at 2:30 a.m. after I sent my

in-laws and aunt off to get some sleep.

WARNING: This next part is full of graphic details and emotional responses.

Saturday, February 23rd: I woke up at 4:30 a.m., and I immediately knew something was wrong. It was the second time in my life where I absolutely knew something to be 100% true. I called the nurse and told her there was a problem. After she checked some things, I knew she knew there was a problem too. I woke up my mom and Jamie and told them there was a problem as well. I later found out that the problem was that I was hemorrhaging and losing lots of blood due to huge blood clots. The doctor came in and checked my cervix. He looked at the nurse with worry in his eyes and said, "There is no cervix." I curiously said, "I have no cervix." He swung his head back towards me and professionally stated, "You are now dilated to a ten." Therefore, I knew it was time to say goodbye. We told Brynlee how much we loved her, and I rubbed her head that was against my ribs one last time before labor and delivery began, which I had been doing for weeks. It seemed like she loved to feel my fingers on her head as she pushed her head towards my ribs. The doctor scurried back into the room with the labor and delivery table, and it was time to push. I pushed for about 45 minutes. It was hard because I was delivering Brynlee breech and with fluid in my lungs, which made it hard to breathe. During the pushing time, I had to stop looking at my mom and Jamie because their eyes were too full of concern. I just focused on the nurse. As soon as Brynlee was born, she was given to me. I think the doctors thought I would finally understand that she had been sick, but that was the farthest thing from the truth. She was absolutely beautiful to me in every single way. She was my baby with ten fingers and ten toes, cute lips, and her daddy's ears. I held her for awhile, then they listened to her heart and said she was no longer with us. Officially, she was stillborn. However, I like to believe that maybe in that first moment that I held her she heard me say I love you and felt the warmth of my arms around her. Brynlee was born at 5:43 a.m., weighing four pounds, twelve ounces, and was thirteen inches long.

Soon after labor and delivery, I began shaking uncontrollably. I tried mentally to stop shaking, but I couldn't. I was cold and weak. That's because I had begun hemorrhaging again after Brynlee was born, and I had delivered the placenta, which was twice as large as a normal placenta and had ruptured into two pieces. I was told that the placenta was that large because it had developed its own form of mirror syndrome as well, which accounts for me looking like I was 42 weeks pregnant at 25 weeks.

There came a point, when I was shaking too much to hold Brynlee. Looking back, I deeply regret not holding her longer that morning. I so wish I had held her more, and I still get emotional when I think about not doing so at the time.

Also, my mom and Jamie were very concerned about me due to my pale coloring.

Due to the blood loss, they started giving me a blood transfusion. After the second bag, I developed a fever, which caused us to be concerned that I could have an infection. Then, the doctors or nurses realized it was due to my body reacting to the blood transfusion. They put me on an antibiotic, and my fever did go away.

Midmorning, after the antibiotics and transfusions, I did hold her while the sweet nurse took pictures of us together. I was thankful I had bought a preemie dress and my mom's coworker, Renae, had made her a beautiful blanket.

I was even starting to feel better physically. At this point, my aunt told me that the night before, before I had called her to drive to Little Rock, she had a dream as clear as day. She dreamed that she saw God's huge outstretched hands, and behind God's hands were my dad and grandma. Grandma's sweet, rosy red cheekbones were high up like they always were when she was excited, and she was saying, "She's coming. She's coming." That dream brings me so much peace to know that Brynlee was cheerfully welcomed into Heaven and surrounded by family.

By lunchtime, I had to say goodbye for a final time. I was full of emotions, and I told her how much I loved her.

Then, she was gone.

I don't think I realized it at the time, but I do now, and it's very hard for me. It was the hardest part about saying goodbye to my daddy, and it's the hardest part to relive now. Yes, I know she is in Heaven, and I will see her again, but my heart still breaks. Even now, I want to hold her for just two more seconds, just two more seconds.

That afternoon, I started to feel much better. By the end of the night, the nurses moved me to another room and gave me a third blood transfusion.

Sunday, Februrary 24th: I was feeling better, and I had many visitors. My hometown pastor and his wife came by and prayed for us, and church members who I hadn't seen in a long time dropped by to see me.

That night, I asked if one of the nurses who had helped deliver Brynlee was working, and to my surprise she was working. She came to my room, and retold the story to me because I didn't want to exaggerate my story. I mean could I have really died? Yes. According to her my life was very much in danger. It's a miracle I got there when I did before my placenta had ruptured because it could have done that at any moment. She said she had never seen ruptured placenta like mine. Also, my life was further in danger due to all the blood loss, which caused all my horrific shaking.

Monday, February 25th: My blood pressure began to go back up, and I was told I might not be able to go home. After more prayer, it did go down.

I spent the entire morning praising and thanking all the doctors who had been a part of my case while they came in one after another into my room that morning to check on me. The last doctor to walk in was Dr. W.

I finally had a chance to see him face to face and thank him for all that he had done to save my life. He told me that if I had not gone back to the clinic on Thursday to be tested for the flu, I would have been down in ICU on a ventilator bleeding from my gums.

The one doctor I didn't get to say anything to was the neonatal doctor. Dr. K., another well-respected neonatal doctor, stopped by on Saturday and told me that she and her partner who had talked to me Friday night had talked about my case and were both in agreement that Brynlee would not make it. I feel bad for the doctor I saw Friday night because she had to deliver that news to me. I know it was hard for her, and it couldn't have been made easier by my repulsed attitude. To clarify now, I have great respect for what they do, and I'm glad we have them to help bring health to all the babies they have helped and will continue to help.

Once I got home, I was greeted with a pantry full of groceries from my school, which helped a lot. I can't thank them enough for all they have done for me and Jamie.

Tuesday, Februrary 26th: I spent this day resting mostly. I was blessed to receive flowers from family and students. It helped brighten my home at the time.

Wednesday, February 27th: I got new news. My genetic counselor from UAMS in NWA called and told me that they had an answer for what had caused this to happen to Brynlee. She said it was the best news in terms of having more children in the future, which had and still weighs heavily on my heart. She said she was so happy for us that she was screaming as the report was coming in for her to read. So, here it is.

Brynlee had Costello Syndrome. It's extremely rare. There are 300 cases in the world, and 125 cases in America. It mostly occurs spontaneously when the egg and sperm meet. The geneticist she talked to who has worked closely with Costello Syndrome said there is absolutely no reason for us to be tested for this because it WILL come back negative. He said this just occurs spontaneously and is completely random. Furthermore, Brynlee had a severe case, which was even the rarest of the rare. 90% of the people who have Costello Syndrome have the G12D gene. Brynlee had a G13D gene. The chances of this happening to us again are way less than 1%, but we are leaving this decision in God's hands.

Yes. I have to admit. I absolutely want another child. It's the desire of my heart, but Jamie and I need to have peace about this decision. I also want our families to have perfect peace about this decision as well. That's very important to me. Please pray God will bless us with peace regarding this situation. Pray that I'm not anxious and that Jamie hears God's voice regarding this decision. I choose to be submissive to my husband when it comes to these decisions because I do recognize him as the spiritual leader of our family.

As of today, I'm doing much better physically. I'm still doing my best to rest because I still have shortness of breath. I was told it will just take awhile for my numbers to go back to normal. Besides that, I'm just having normal labor and delivery pains, but I know those will go away soon enough.

Emotionally, I have my moments. I have moments when I know I'm crying because I miss Brynlee, and I have moments when I know I'm crying just because of my hormones.

Overall, I know who comes before me, and I know who stands behind. The God of angel armies is always by my side.

I will never lose my praise for all that God has done and will do. I know all things work together for good to those who love Him, and I love Him.

Again, I know I will see her again in Heaven. In my mind, she will be tall with long brown, curly hair, and she will have her paternal grandmother's beautiful sea green eyes. 

I have said from the beginning that Brynlee's life has a purpose. I pray I continue to complete it all to the glory of God until I see them again. 

For here we have no lasting city, 

but we seek the city that is to come.

Hebrews 13:14

If you would like to honor Brynlee with a donation, you may contribute to Loving Choices at www.supportlc.org. Please note that your donation is in honor of Brynlee Green. 

Colossians 1:4-6

New International Version (NIV)

⁴ because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all God’s people— ⁵ the faith and love that spring from the hope stored up for you in heaven and about which you have already heard in the true message of the gospel ⁶ that has come to you. In the same way, the gospel is bearing fruit and growing throughout the whole world—just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and truly understood God’s grace.